How to Help Kids Who Cut

Posted on May 18, 2012 by
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How to help kids who cut.

How to help kids who cut

One of those heavy parenting subjects no one likes to talk about, cutting has been called an epidemic problem among teenagers, with millions of children cutting themselves with scissors, razor blades, knives, pins… If you’re the parent of a child you suspect of cutting and this first sentence scared you and you want to click away from this page, please stay and keep reading. 

You need to know. You need to understand. You need to stop blaming yourself or ignoring the warning signs.

Why teens cut.

There is no one reason why teens cut. All those feeling during the pre-teen and teen years that you might think would result in anxiety, depression or anger have to be channeled somewhere. Some kids drink alcohol or try other drugs. Some engage in risky sexual behavior. Some estimate that about 1% of teenagers cut.

And for those who cut, the entire subject can be confusing and maddening for them and for those who love them.

If you’re feeling particularly brave, run a YouTube search for “teen cutting”. Before the age of instant access to information online, kids who hadn’t thought of cutting didn’t have the option paraded before them in technicolor. Today, any teenager feeling isolated, misunderstood, bullied, or abused has ready access to the details of cutting as an “option” for releasing their overwhelming emotions. In some cases, teenagers begin cutting as an experiment because their friends are doing it, then show off their scars sometimes as a bid for attention. But most often, teens who cut are experiencing internal chaos that finds expression in a way that will horrify and confuse their parents and other adults who care.

How to help kids who cut.

It goes without saying that parents who discover that their teen is cutting need to pursue help for their child. But how that help manifests itself may not be perceived by your son or daughter as “help”. Probably my most powerful qualification on this subject is that I used to cut, and so has one of my children. So when I say, “There is HOPE”, that isn’t just a theory, it is based on powerful healing work right inside my own family. After working through this at home and working with many families who experienced this heartbreaking challenge, and talking especially to dozens of teenagers who used to cut, I’ve put together a list of ways for parents to help that teenagers say would have reached them.

  1. Do not blame yourself, or your child. Cutting is not an indictment of your parenting, or a label of your child’s dysfunction. It is a symptom of deeper issues that needs to be addressed gently and with compassion.
  2. Your child may expect you to ignore the problem. Surprise them. Let them know you see the signs of their internal struggles.
  3. So few parents ask questions respectfully. Break the mold and ask your teen what’s up. Ask them if any of their friends cut. Ask how cutting helps them feel better, or if it does. Ask them to let you help them find a better way to let out the pain.
  4. Teens aren’t known for embracing adult solutions. Find teens who used to be cutters who are willing to share their stories. Just like YouTube can be a source of information for your cutter to learn how to hide scars, “do it right”, and keep secrets from parents and teachers, it can also be a powerful place to find solutions and stories of healing. Your teenager is much more likely to relate to a story of freedom from cutting when told by another teen, than to benefit from traditional “talk therapy” or an adult trying to control their behavior.
  5. Don’t get dramatic. Teenagers who cut already have their own internal drama going on. Don’t add to it. If you’re having a tough time handling your own reaction to your teen’s cutting, get some help for you.
  6. Teens are desperate to be seen, to be heard. Don’t be too busy to notice. Don’t be so caught up in enforcing rules that you miss the silent screams of pain. Slow down, lower your voice, make eye contact, touch gently.
  7. Get involved in helping your teen find healthy friends and healthy activities. Teens tend to feel ‘stuck’ in their circle of friends or activities. Celebrate their attempts to break out of an unhealthy relationship or to stand up for themselves against bullying. If your teen’s emotional turmoil is a reaction to your parenting, your relationship drama, your addictions, or some other unhealthy behavior you’re hanging onto that you think your child isn’t affected by, get help for YOU.
  8. Cutting is rarely a one-time thing. If you noticed, it is likely your teen secretly wanted you to see. SAY SOMETHING! You teen is secretly hoping, praying, that you step in and help them find a better solution.
  9. If you’re a parent who used to cut when you were younger, go ahead and share your own struggle with your teenager. If you never tried cutting but had other ways of expressing your own adolescent frustration, share that with your teen. It won’t help to say, “I understand just how you feel”, because you don’t. However, you CAN let your teen know that you had your own deep struggles. Teenagers sometimes forget that their parents hurt sometimes too. Just remember that this is not about you.
  10. There are professionals trained in effective ways to help teen cutters. Don’t wait to see if things get better on their own. Make the appointment. Go yourself if your teen doesn’t agree to go with you. Let your teen know that you will do whatever it takes to help – not out of frantic desperation, but from deep down in your compassionately respectful parent heart.

Cutting is one of those subjects all parents cringe from, hoping their teenager isn’t one of those millions who use cutting to deal with adolescent stress. Lift your eyes and be willing to recognize signs that your teenager is in pain. Ask the tough questions. Find help. Be present with your teenager. If you cut, used to cut, or have a child who cuts, send me a message or get help somewhere. There is hope!

Your turn:

Whether or not you have personally dealt with the issue of cutting, chances are very good that you have been directly affected by someone who does. How can you help? How have you helped? Its hard to talk about cutting; its hard to write about it. But its important. Share your stories of hope here for another parent struggling with the realization that their child is cutting.

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End Bullying Now

Posted on May 15, 2012 by
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Bully Free Zone

Protect Your Teens from Bullying

There have been a few rather dramatic examples in the media lately of how NOT to treat kids. From the “Cone of Shame” used by the teacher in Florida, to the New Jersey teachers caught on tape while verbally abusing special needs kids, it seems the dramatic stories make the news while thousands of other students struggle daily in a bullying atmosphere. Some kids and parents put up with the bullying behavior by other students or teachers, feeling helpless to effect any real change, while others get angry and start grassroots movements and mobilize social media efforts. If you’re a parent of a teenager who is being bullied at school, you know the anger, the helpless feeling, and the rage against those who you expect to be nurturing but are abusing instead.

End Bullying Now

Following my recent article How To Protect Your Teens From Bullying, I received an email from Megan Landry (name used with permission). Megan is 15 years old, and here’s what she wrote:

Hi, I’m 15 and wrote this [song] because of a personal experience. I did the video myself too. I was not going to let them break me. Reality is, if [you] show that it bothers you, they’ll just do it more. I hope my song will help those that are starting to feel torn down — to rise up! Don’t let anyone make you a victim. They aren’t worth it.

 

If you’re a parent of teenagers, please share this video with your child. Then talk about it! Whether you’re concerned about bullying online or at your child’s school, by peers or teachers or predators, this is a subject that you simply must become informed about. But this is not simply about raising awareness; it is about requiring the atmosphere that your teens live and play in to be free of bullying behavior, and giving your teens the tools they need to be safe.

  1. Ask your teenager. 
  2. Believe what your teen tells you.
  3. Be willing to act aggressively, even when your teen asks you to stay out of it.
  4. Requiring respect of your teen from teachers and peers is not only okay, it is essential.
  5. Teach your teenager what to do when bullying happens, because your teen is no exception.
  6. Monitor your teen’s online experience without invading their privacy. Our partner TrueCare is one way you can do that.

May 17th is National Cyber Safety Awareness Day. Every day should be Protect Kids from Bullying Day! In a society that most often celebrates aggression and denigrates gentleness, we all must work together to protect children of any age from bullying. Whether you are a parent, teacher, or other concerned adult, it is time to stand up and not only protect children, but also to give them tools they can use when bullying happens (because it will), and require anyone who has stepped over that line to step back! 

Your turn:

Has your teenager been the victim of bullying, in school, online, or at home? How have you responded? How can you respond better?

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Posted in Bullying, Parenting Teens | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

Mother’s Day Hope

Posted on May 12, 2012 by
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Mother Daughter

Mother, Daughter

Mother.

That name conjures a mental image, and a feeling.

Sometimes gentle nurturing. Sometimes pain, disappointment, disillusionment, shame.

Whatever your relationship with your mother, take time today to reach out.

Mother’s Day Hope

If your journey through life has been hard, you’re in good company. Reach out, to your own mother, to another mother. Send a message of gentle forgiveness, of understanding of the life forces that have shaped every mother, and the difficulty of breaking generational patterns of pain. Give yourself permission to hold both the good and the not-so-good memories as the whole of what has made you the person you are today. Take charge of who you wish to be, and celebrate that.

Mother.

Mine.

Today, I celebrate the ways we are alike, and the ways we are different. I hold gently the journey each of us have been on toward healing. And I shout, and whisper, the message of HOPE to every woman, every mother, every daughter.

For steps you can take to heal from a painful past, pick up my new book “A Bigger Band-Aid: hope for parents abused as children.” There is always hope.

Your turn:

What is the journey like that you’ve been on with your mother? Is today tough for you? If so, here’s hope. If you have great memories with your mother or have done some healing work from a past of pain, leave a gentle message of hope here for a mother who may be feeling discouraged.

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Posted in Recovery, Women | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

Reducing Stress by Connecting with Your Teen

Posted on May 10, 2012 by
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Stress Free Kids

Stress free kids

I met Lori Lite on Twitter, and immediately felt a deep connection. Lori is passionate about helping families in general, and teens in particular, by offering tangible solutions for managing stress. Lori Lite is the Founder of Stress Free Kids, a mom, parenting expert, and award winning author of relaxation books, CDs and lesson plans. Here she shares ten powerful ways to connect with your teen and help reduce stress.

Reducing Stress by Connecting With Your Teen

Teens are convinced that they are nothing like us and they do not need our time and guidance. But underneath their hard exterior they are scared, worried, and unsure of their future. Teens are stressed out and they want to talk about it. The American Psychology Association reports that 86 percent of tweens and 74 percent of teens state that they are comfortable talking to their parents about the things that cause them stress, yet only 50 percent of tweens and teens have talked to their parents about things they are worried or stressed about in the past month.

Why this disconnect? Many teens feel like their parents are not fully present or emotionally available to them. How many times to we check our cell phones in the middle of a conversation? How many times are we rushing to end a conversation to get to a meeting, answer an email, or feed the baby? These distractions cause static in our relationships with our teenagers. Teens have a very short attention span and when they see static, they change the channel. Once your teen changes their focus…you have lost the mindful moment of truly connecting with your teen. As parents we can create safe, calm moments to connect with and communicate with our teenagers.

Tips:

  1. Unplug. Shut off all screens and eliminate distractions when you are talking to your teen. Look at your teen when you speak to them. Eye to eye contact is a powerful communication skill.
  2. Talk to your teen at the right moments. A distracted or rushed teen is not hearing a word you say. Figure out when their guard is most likely to be down and use that time to communicate.
  3. Push yourself to stay up and have a late night snack with your teen. Teens may be more talkative at night and are more willing to chat when you are helping them prepare a midnight snack.
  4. Share unsolicited stories about challenges you experienced as a teen and how you handled it. Make sure to share the mistakes you made. Teens are more likely to share their challenges after a story than a direct question. This will also humanize you.
  5. Don’t be a helicopter parent. Give your teens more freedom, but keep clear boundaries. A teen without rules is a teen with much stress.
  6. Schedule downtime with your teen. Go for lunch, take a hike, or shoot hoops. Take them out of their usual environment. You’ll be surprised how your teen will let their walls down doing something outdoors.
  7. Pay attention to how your react to your teen. Take a break from criticizing and correcting. Make a choice to give a compliment every day. Greet your teen with a smile!
  8. Expose your teen to relaxation techniques like diaphragmatic breathing, visualizing, progressive muscular relaxation, and positive statements. Empower you teen with tools designed to reduce stress. They will be able to take these to college and beyond. These guided relaxation techniques can be found on my new relaxation CD Set for Teens, Indigo Teen Dreams.
  9. Be aware of your teens schedule and pressures. Your experience with time management is valuable. Do not overschedule your teen. Leave downtime for resting and relaxing
  10. Discuss the future and specific changes like job loss or divorce with your teen. Explain how this will impact your teen’s life and talk it through to a positive hopeful outcome.

Teenagers with unmanaged stress are more likely to use drugs and alcohol. By focusing your attention to connecting with your teen and creating a space for calm communication you can offer your teen healthy stress management and a sense of belonging to something bigger…a family.

Your turn:

Which of Lori’s ten tips have you tried? Which worked best in your family to help reduce stress?

Lori Lite

Lori Lite

Stress Free Kids founder Lori Lite is a pioneer in bringing stress management to teenagers and children. Her CDs are considered a resource for parents, psychologists, therapists, counselors, and teachers. Lori is a certified children’s meditation facilitator and Sears’ Manage My Life parenting expert. Lori posts daily tips and articles on Twitter, Facebook, and Stress Free Kids Blog.

 

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The Mom in My Head

Posted on May 5, 2012 by
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Princesa DI
Relationships between moms and daughters can be many things, but one thing is sure: they are complex. Now that you’re an adult with children of your own, you may have a little different perspective on that mom-daughter relationship drama. Whether your relationship with your mother is better or worse than it was while you were growing up, one thing is sure: mom still lives on in your head!

The Power of Mom

Mothers have an enormous influence on their kids – have you noticed? Obviously some of this comes from the fact that, while growing up, kids are dependent on mom literally for physical and emotional survival. This is part of what makes abuse or abandonment by mothers such an intensely damaging experience. But even if your mom wasn’t overtly abusive, she still had a powerful influence – you’ve either internalized how you DO want to move through life from her example, or how you DON’T want to behave from watching her mistakes.

Part of the challenge is the myth we all seem to have embraced without question of the eternally patient, gentle, put-together nurturing mother. The media has certainly contributed to this myth. No matter how many scientific studies are conducted taking a look at the complex dynamics between mothers and daughters, if you’re a mother or daughter wondering why your relationship isn’t working, you probably compare your insides to your friends’ outsides and always come up short.

When Mom Takes Up Space In Your Head

Inevitably, one day you may realize that your mother is living in your head. Whether you had a gentle or dysfunctional relationship with your mother while you were growing up, whether your current relationship is built on mutual respect or conflict or avoidance, at some point you’ll find yourself hearing your mother’s voice in your head or making choices based on what your mother did right or did wrong.

I thought I could get away from my controlling mother by moving to another state and we rarely even talk on the phone. Then I realized that I still hear her voice in my head every single day reminding me of what I’m doing wrong.

When does it get better? Mom and I fought all the way through my adolescence, and our relationship hasn’t improved even now that I have teenagers of my own!

I didn’t have an awful childhood by any means, but I can’t seem to completely shake the feeling that I’m still trying to get my internal mother’s approval, even though I’ve been an adult for over twenty years.

How to Kick Mom Out of Your Head and Reclaim Your Mind

No matter what your history or your current relationship with your mother is like, you are YOU. If you don’t feel like you’re completely in charge of who you are, that’s a big clue that there’s a pretty good chance you’ve got Mom hanging out in your head. If you feel like a great deal of your present is controlled by your mom’s expectations, criticisms, or dysfunction, you may want to do some change work. And if you find yourself basing your current choices on whether or not it is anything like how your mother behaves, that’s a pretty big message that you need to reclaim your mind. 

How can you kick Mom out of your head and reclaim your mind? Here are a few pointers that will help you get started on this marvelous journey. The reward is great – freedom to make your own choices, uncontrolled by your mom. Even if you have a good relationship with your mother now, or can’t recall anything in the past that would qualify as overtly abusive, it can only help you be a more complete and healthy person to follow these simple steps.

  1. Pay attention to those mom-messages you hear from inside your head. Write them down. They’re only powerful when they’re operating in secret.
  2. Take a look at your own adult relationships or parenting. How is your behavior reacting against your mom-messages, or copying her choices?
  3. If your real life relationship with your mother is one of conflict, make a decision to begin working on that relationship. Your relationship with your mother has shaped a great part of who you have become, and will continue to control you (“mom in your head”) unless you do some work to learn a better way.
  4. Build relationship with some emotional healthy and available women that you can share honestly with. Part of the power of mentorship is that you’ll have the opportunity to practice reclaiming your mind as you expose the mom-messages in your head, and then let them go.

Recently I asked on Twitter if I was the only one who sometimes ‘heard’ mom from inside my head. As I’m sure you can image, the response was overwhelming. You’re in good company when you admit you’ve been “renting out head-space to mom”! The great news is that once you do the healing work, you can absolutely and completely reclaim your mind. After all, you are YOU!

For a more specific guide on the steps you need to take to heal from an abusive past and take back your life, pick up my new book, A Bigger Band-Aid: hope for parents abused as children.

Your turn

What are some of the mom-messages you’ve been hearing lately? How have you let some of those internalized mom-messages go and reclaimed your mind?

 

 

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Posted in Addictions and Recovery, Child Abuse, Featured Articles | Tagged , , , | 34 Comments

Child Abuse Prevention Month: The Secret from PJ McClure

Posted on April 29, 2012 by
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How to let go of a painful past.

 PJ McClure brings his passion for excellence to the subject of breaking the cycle of child abuse. As the Founder of The Mindset Maven, PJ helps individuals and corporations gain greater productivity while increasing personal satisfaction and fulfillment. Read here PJ’s secret that will help you break the hold of painful past experiences on your life. 

 

Breaking Abuse – PJ McClure

They are willing prisoners, though maybe they don’t see it. Able to lay down the shackles and walk free, but unaware of the power they possess. This is what I see with every client I mentor that has experienced abuse of any kind as a child. The great news, there is one tool they can use to break themselves free and experience a brand new life.

During more than 15 years of mentoring business owners and executives in numerous cultures, I’ve found evidence of rampant abuse. Feelings of inadequacy in executives of Fortune 500 companies or self-destructive business owners that make millions and collapse. These and more are proving to be indicators of some type of abuse they suffered as children.

The solution for this breakthrough to greater performance, relationships, and a fresh future is a simple, yet powerful one. Please note that I didn’t say “easy,” though it often is. I said “simple.” Even in its simplicity, this method is often controversial by society’s perception of justice.  That said; I would like to introduce you to forgiveness.

I know… kind of anticlimactic isn’t it? Forgiveness is the single biggest key and the strongest tool we have to short circuit the abuse cycle and set someone free to pursue the life they deserve. Here’s how.

Abuse can bring two, very real, psychological tyrants into the victim’s life. Resentment and /or guilt. Both of these serve to restrict and damage our personal movement. No matter how many years have come and gone, the lingering effects of this destructive duo hamper even the strongest person.

Both guilt and resentment have a unique characteristic. They do absolutely NOTHING to the abuser. No matter how much we make ourselves ill with guilt, anger, or depression… it does not exact any measure of justice, revenge, or peace. All it does is make us tired.

We have to break the bondage of abuse and put it to rest for good. Only forgiveness can bring this relief.

First, forgiveness is an inside job. A common misconception is that the offender has to accept your forgiveness. It is possible that the offender doesn’t even realize they have done anything wrong. We cannot accept something we do not see the need for.

All that is required to set you free is offering the forgiveness. By doing so, you release yourself from carrying the pain. Forgiving is not saying what was done is okay or justified. Forgiveness simply means that we aren’t going to carry the burden anymore.

Finally, forgiveness can be as simple as saying the words, “I forgive you,” or could take time to peel away the layers of pain. Ultimately, our willingness to let the issues go determines how quickly we heal.

My prayer for all who are in either role, find forgiveness and honor yourself as the gift you are. Shed the burden and allow yourself to be your best.

 

PJ McClure

PJ McClure helps aspiring entrepreneurs to multi-million dollar success, and helps business owners destroy roadblocks and seize opportunities to achieve their ideal vision of success. He is an award-winning speaker and the best-selling author of Flip the SWITCH: How to Turn On and Turn Up Your Mindset and Unlock Your Life: How to go beyond Time-Management to the Life of Your Dreams. You can download a copy of Flip the SWITCH for Free by clicking here.

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Child Abuse Prevention Month: The Hidden Faces of Abused Children

Posted on April 25, 2012 by
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Abandoned Children

Few aspects of child abuse are more soul searing than child abandonment. To give a child the message “I don’t want you” leaves them sometimes wounded beyond rescue. Please join me in welcoming Lee Keyes, PhD, a Counseling Psychologist and Executive Director of the Counseling Center at the University of Alabama. Dr. Keyes writes here about the abandoned children who must struggle so hard to find love and acceptance. 

The Hidden Faces of Abused Children

Most folks with even cursory access to the news are familiar with more obvious variations of child abuse. These include breathtaking accounts of physical abuse, horrific tales of sexual abuse and trafficking, kidnapping and torture, and unlawful restraint in confined spaces by parents and caretakers. Even glaring cases of extreme neglect, such as declined medical care and abandonment in vehicles, often resulting in death, make it to the news and the consciousness of readers. It is a good thing that the worst of these stories are given appropriate attention.

In recognition of April’s Child Abuse Awareness Month, let’s turn our attention to less obvious forms of abuse and neglect, as these also take an enormous and in some ways even more pernicious, toll on humanity. In over 20 years of work as a psychologist I have known a great many who have suffered all manner of abuse and neglect. Some succumbed to the trauma. Some survived and later thrived. All were heroic in one way or another. Their voices and expressions resound in my memory; they tell me that physical wounds heal, that sexual victimization can be overcome, and that the neglected can find nurturance and love. Of all these, the ones that stand out in their pain are those who have been rejected and abandoned by their families and caretakers.

This type of wound, more than any other in my experience, leads more consistently to lasting damage, to serious alterations in psychic architecture which can take a lifetime to modify. To be told, in word or deed, “I don’t love you” or “I don’t want you” or “Go away” is tantamount to murder of the soul, as others have described it before me. And this form of abuse has a thousand manifestations at every stage of development all the way through late adolescence and early adulthood. Obvious abandonments are, well, obvious, as in the literal abandonment of a child to the streets or to the state. But there are many, many variants which occur even while the child is still technically in the home and care of family.

Space prevents me from detailing every manifestation. Suffice it to say that refusal or avoidance of the provision of support to the reasonable physical and emotional needs of children can be heard by them as “I don’t want you.” This is especially true when the caretaker fails to come to the aid of a child, teen or young adult in a moment of crisis. I have witnessed this many times over, and the psychic pain it causes is legion. Some learn to abandon hope as a result, which of course is a literal dead end. The more fortunate learn to find support elsewhere, because somehow they know they are worth it.

In our endeavors then, let’s work to react to abandonments, large and small, when we see them. In so doing let us also demonstrate in word and deed the inherent value of all humans.

Lee Keyes, PhD

Lee N. Keyes, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the Counseling Center at the University of Alabama, where he has interests in the administration of college mental health services, late adolescent and adult general psychotherapy, stress and adjustment of college students, anxiety, depression, and suicide prevention and reduction. Learn more about Dr. Keyes’ work by visiting College Mental Health on Facebook, and by reading his College Mental Health Daily. Dr. Keyes may be contacted at: Counseling Center, The University of Alabama, P.O. Box 870362, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487, (205) 348-3863.

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Child Abuse Prevention Month: I Need You To Ask

Posted on April 22, 2012 by
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Ask me why I'm afraid

Parents struggle to find the right way – or just any way – to bring up the subject of abuse with their child. Today’s guest post from Sam Ross the Teenage Whisperer, will tug at your heart and give you hope. 

 

I Need You To Ask

Just talk to me. I might not listen, I might do anything to make you just go away and leave me alone, slam the door in your face, swear at you, or just quietly avoid you but please, please keep on trying to talk to me, to connect with me. I need you to know, I need you to ask. I need you to help me breakout from my internal prison of hurt, unfounded guilt, of shame, of confusion.

I want you to know, but I’m terrified of voicing what is happening to me. If I say it, it happened, it makes it real. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. Disappointed that I didn’t do anything to stop it, disappointed in my weakness, my stupidity. I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed.

Although I might not show it, although I might often think you are the worst parents in the universe, you really are my world. And I don’t want to hurt you, to cause you pain, to share this with you, but if I don’t I will drown. So I swing from wanting to tell you and then not, to protect you. That’s why my behaviour can be so erratic. I’m so confused.

It’s not just me, all teens, would find telling a parent about any abuse- bullying, sexual, physical, psychological- impossibly hard. And often because it involves the hideous Jekyll & Hyde reveal where someone close to me is unmasked as my abuser- friends, family, boyfriends, teachers, coaches. It’s that twisting of relationship, no matter what level of abuse, that makes me feel so darn stupid and embarrassed to talk. I also worry that you might not believe me.

Which is why I need you to ask. If I’m somehow not myself – if I’m more aggressive, more withdrawn, more secretive, if I’m not eating, if I start doing risky stuff, anything from drinking to drugs – ask me straight.

I’m worried about you. You don’t seem happy. Are you afraid of something? Has anyone hurt you?

Don’t worry. If I am just on a weird behaviour bender for no particular reason other than teen hormones, I’ll just tell you to get lost. And don’t worry that you run the risk of unnecessarily introducing me to the darker side of life, particularly if there isn’t anything to be found, because I will interpret your question in the way that is directly appropriate to my life. So if there is serious abuse I will think you are asking me about that, and if there isn’t I’ll just think you’re asking me whether I’m afraid of the next test at school, or whether my best friend snubbed me in the lunch line.

You’ll most likely know from the look on my face in the split second after you ask the question whether there is something there or not. I’ll have a look of blind panic on my face, I’ll look like I am sick to my stomach because you seem to know. Or I might just crumple and it might all come pouring out. There will be a sense of relief that I didn’t have the burden of having to raise the issue in addition to dealing with the issue. Or I might still try and keep it from you and try to fob you off or tell you to get lost, but you’ll somehow know that there is something lurking there. It’ll be written in my eyes, in my body language. If I look like I want the floor to open up and eat me, there’s something there. In which case, you have to keep on asking, not like a jack-hammer but over a period of time. Show me that you are not afraid of addressing the issue, even if I am.

And please, don’t delay in asking me. By asking me at the first sign of unusual behaviour you might be able to prevent something that is relatively minor abuse, like feeling controlled by my boyfriend, or feeling that some of the stuff that my coach says is a bit weird, where the worst I experience is a discomfort and confusion about the whole situation, from escalating into something more serious in nature, or something more persistent.

Having a conversation with me I know can be hard sometimes, and you do have to work hard to connect with me. But please, I beg, don’t shy away from connecting with me on this most fundamental of issues when my behaviour seems a bit off-whack for some reason. Just ask me the question, just try to talk to me. You’ve got nothing to lose, and the ability to protect me, to gain.

 

Sam Ross, popularly known as the ‘Teenage Whisperer’ is an expert in connecting with and helping the most challenging, disengaged and ‘trash-heaped’ teens to turn their lives around. Really understanding them is the beginning, middle and end of her work and she helps professionals and parents achieve this through her website Teenage Whisperer, providing advice, insight and resources. You can also connect with her on Twitter @Teen_Whisperer

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Announcing LIVE Radio Show Saturday April 21, 2012 and new e-book: Breaking the Cycle of Child Abuse

Posted on April 18, 2012 by
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All this month we’ve been focused on Child Abuse Prevention Month by highlighting child abuse experts who have written inspiring articles. These guest posts been encouraging, depressing, uplifting, and inspiring. As a parenting coach, I spend alot of time helping parents recognize signs of child abuse, help their kids deal with abusive situations like bullying, and understand the power of their words to hurt or heal. Just today I received the following note from a parent:

Parenting teens is hard enough for the best of parents, but when you have been severely abused as children in every way (physically, emotionally, verbally AND sexually) you have no real coping skills for even making it through life alone, let alone trying to help teens and children through it. Sometimes it seems so extremely hopeless. Thank you for addressing this. Because I am fighting this battle completely alone.

So we’re going to talk about this. As a child abuse survivor myself, I know intimately the desperation and isolation this parent is experiencing. And I will do everything in my power to help you find the healing you so richly deserve.

Here we go!

LIVE Radio show Saturday April 21, 2012, 1pm CST: Breaking the Cycle of Child Abuse!

Breaking the cycle of abuse requires first of all breaking the silence! Tune in to this live radio show and join in our discussion of specific ways you can move from just surviving child abuse, to completely breaking the cycle of abuse with your own children.

Here’s how you can participate:

  • Listen LIVE from anywhere by clicking the Listen button (upper right) on the Dr. Carol Show website.
  • If you’re in the Houston area, you can catch the show at KKHT, 100.7 FM The Word.
  • Call in during the show with your comments or questions: 888-537-2276 between 1pm and 2pm CST Saturday April 21st.
  • Have a question you want to make sure we address but not feeling confident enough to call in? That’s okay – send an email to me at RJ (AT) ronaejull.com.

 

New e-book: A Bigger Bandaid: hope for parents abused as children.

As the parent above said, parenting is tough enough without all those abuse issues rattling around! For an in-depth look at how you can find healing if you’re a parent who was abused as a child, pick up this e-book and take the time to read it.

I know the confusion, isolation, depression, and anger that is a result of being abused as a child. I also know how incredibly challenging it is to try to figure out how the heck to be an effective parent when what you were taught and shown is dysfunctional. Whether you were abused physically, emotionally, sexually, or spiritually, you will find in this book practical suggestions, first-person accounts of healing, and courage you can grab hold of as you begin or continue your healing journey and break the cycle of abuse with your own children.

*** A Bigger Bandaid e-book will be available through Amazon on Saturday, April 21, 2012, and this link will be updated at that time.

Finally, for HOPE Coaching from a been-there done-that found-joyful-healing perspective, give me a call and lets talk about how to help you find the healing you so richly deserve!

Call now: (567) MY-HOPE-1

No matter what, there is always HOPE! Are you a parent who has found healing from your own child abuse issues? Please leave a note of hope below.

 

 

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Child Abuse Prevention Month: Doctor-Doctor on Hope for Healing from Child Abuse

Posted on April 18, 2012 by
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Dr. Carol Tanksley

As both an OB-Gyn physician and a Christian minister, Dr. Carol Tanksley has a unique perspective on child abuse. While the effects of abuse are devastating, Dr. Tanksley is convinced of the power of healing. Along with writing today’s guest post, Dr. Tanksley has also invited me to be a guest on her live radio show The Dr. Carol Show on Saturday, April 21, 2012 during the 1:00 CST hour to discuss this very issue. Please join us!

A Doctor-Doctor on Healing from Child Abuse


As an OB-Gyn physician I see women in some of the most intimate and difficult circumstances. Pregnancy, STDs, sexual difficulties, pelvic pain – women are almost always reluctant to talk about them, but often their OB-Gyn is the one place they eventually go for help with these hard-to-discuss issues.

There are many purely “medical” reasons for gynecologic symptoms. And yet there are many times when the medical tests and treatments don’t find any specific physical “cause” for a woman’s distress. All too often, when I ask all the uncomfortable questions, such a woman will relate something in her past that includes child abuse – physical, sexual, or otherwise. We know that women who have experienced abuse during childhood have a much higher chance of having pelvic pain and other physical problems years later. Here’s just one source documenting this. And it’s not only gynecologic problems that these women face: another is GI symptoms and abdominal pain.

We could spend a long time documenting the physical implications of being abused as a child, but the emotional, relational, and spiritual implications are just as large. As an ordained minister, I have talked with more women than I can count who struggle with guilt, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and more stemming from early traumatic experiences.

Whether it’s in my practice as a physician, my work as a minister, or on our radio program the Dr Carol Show, I tell women (and men) the same things:

  • You are not alone! Many estimates suggest one fourth or more of adults have some history of being abused as a child.
  • You ARE cared about and loved. I care about you. And more than any human being can, God loves you!
  • There IS a good life available for you. You CAN find healing and joy. Things don’t have to stay as dark as they are now.
  • Don’t ever give up! Your journey to healing and joy may take time, but it IS possible. And you’re the only one who can take the steps necessary to find that healing.
  • Use every resource you can find. Read books. Listen to programs on TV or radio about healing. Spend time on the internet with healing resources. Join a support group. Pray! Get the professional help you may need: physicians, psychologists, or pastors. And if the first person you talk to isn’t helpful, ask someone else!

Every one of us comes through this life with scars. Baggage. Wounds in various stages of healing. The good news of the gospel is that God has healing available, regardless of where you are right now!

If you’re in a hurting place, my heart bleeds for you. I may not know the details of what you are feeling, but I HAVE known pain, and I also know healing is possible. I offer you a hand of hope.

And I ask you to NEVER GIVE UP! Keep walking. There IS light up ahead.

Dr. Carol Tanksley writes from Austin, Texas, where she is an ordained minister and an  OB-Gyn physician. Dr. Carol also has a daily live radio show – see the Dr. Carol Show website for details. You can now listen at 100.7 KKHT in Houston, TX Saturdays at 1pm CST, or join live streaming from Dr. Carol’s website.

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