Ask me why I'm afraid
I Need You To Ask
Just talk to me. I might not listen, I might do anything to make you just go away and leave me alone, slam the door in your face, swear at you, or just quietly avoid you but please, please keep on trying to talk to me, to connect with me. I need you to know, I need you to ask. I need you to help me breakout from my internal prison of hurt, unfounded guilt, of shame, of confusion.
I want you to know, but I’m terrified of voicing what is happening to me. If I say it, it happened, it makes it real. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. Disappointed that I didn’t do anything to stop it, disappointed in my weakness, my stupidity. I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed.
Although I might not show it, although I might often think you are the worst parents in the universe, you really are my world. And I don’t want to hurt you, to cause you pain, to share this with you, but if I don’t I will drown. So I swing from wanting to tell you and then not, to protect you. That’s why my behaviour can be so erratic. I’m so confused.
It’s not just me, all teens, would find telling a parent about any abuse- bullying, sexual, physical, psychological- impossibly hard. And often because it involves the hideous Jekyll & Hyde reveal where someone close to me is unmasked as my abuser- friends, family, boyfriends, teachers, coaches. It’s that twisting of relationship, no matter what level of abuse, that makes me feel so darn stupid and embarrassed to talk. I also worry that you might not believe me.
Which is why I need you to ask. If I’m somehow not myself – if I’m more aggressive, more withdrawn, more secretive, if I’m not eating, if I start doing risky stuff, anything from drinking to drugs – ask me straight.
I’m worried about you. You don’t seem happy. Are you afraid of something? Has anyone hurt you?
Don’t worry. If I am just on a weird behaviour bender for no particular reason other than teen hormones, I’ll just tell you to get lost. And don’t worry that you run the risk of unnecessarily introducing me to the darker side of life, particularly if there isn’t anything to be found, because I will interpret your question in the way that is directly appropriate to my life. So if there is serious abuse I will think you are asking me about that, and if there isn’t I’ll just think you’re asking me whether I’m afraid of the next test at school, or whether my best friend snubbed me in the lunch line.
You’ll most likely know from the look on my face in the split second after you ask the question whether there is something there or not. I’ll have a look of blind panic on my face, I’ll look like I am sick to my stomach because you seem to know. Or I might just crumple and it might all come pouring out. There will be a sense of relief that I didn’t have the burden of having to raise the issue in addition to dealing with the issue. Or I might still try and keep it from you and try to fob you off or tell you to get lost, but you’ll somehow know that there is something lurking there. It’ll be written in my eyes, in my body language. If I look like I want the floor to open up and eat me, there’s something there. In which case, you have to keep on asking, not like a jack-hammer but over a period of time. Show me that you are not afraid of addressing the issue, even if I am.
And please, don’t delay in asking me. By asking me at the first sign of unusual behaviour you might be able to prevent something that is relatively minor abuse, like feeling controlled by my boyfriend, or feeling that some of the stuff that my coach says is a bit weird, where the worst I experience is a discomfort and confusion about the whole situation, from escalating into something more serious in nature, or something more persistent.
Having a conversation with me I know can be hard sometimes, and you do have to work hard to connect with me. But please, I beg, don’t shy away from connecting with me on this most fundamental of issues when my behaviour seems a bit off-whack for some reason. Just ask me the question, just try to talk to me. You’ve got nothing to lose, and the ability to protect me, to gain.
Sam Ross, popularly known as the ‘Teenage Whisperer’ is an expert in connecting with and helping the most challenging, disengaged and ‘trash-heaped’ teens to turn their lives around. Really understanding them is the beginning, middle and end of her work and she helps professionals and parents achieve this through her website Teenage Whisperer, providing advice, insight and resources. You can also connect with her on Twitter @Teen_Whisperer
Pingback: Child Abuse Prevention Month: I Need You To Ask « Syrinx ZA Natural Skin Care
Thank you for sharing this post. I wish someone had noticed and asked me. I make sure I talk to my daughter about people who aren’t being kind and how she can always tell me about them.
I wish a caring parent had asked about my well being during those turbulent teenage years. Instead they considered me as a problem and ignored me hoping that I would just go away. When I was suicidal and no one listened thinking each attempt was just a cry for attention and somehow I would just grow out of attention seeking behavior. So I ran away never to return and to this day, both parents still probably believe that I am just out there seeking attention.
Thanks for sharing this RJ, it brought tears to my eyes. I am trying so hard to always communicate well with my kids so they never hesitate to come to me, but I know it’s not that easy. Even at 7, there are things my daughter doesn’t want to talk to me about!
Jennifer, kudos to you for being mindful of the ways you can encourage your daughter to come to you! Unfortunately, kids don’t always want to come to their parents with heart-stuff. One way that some parents find helpful is to have a few trusted friends who can be available for your children, adding to their experience and creating an atmosphere of “safe” adults when they may choose not to share something with parents. Just another one of those ways that it “takes a village” in many ways!
Wow! Very moving post. It is so important to pay attention to children and what may be going on in their life. Thanks for this.
Wow…powerful article. I know abuse…lived with it for many years so this is an issue close to me as Anita also mentioned!
Wonderful and heart-breaking article! SO many shy away from the truly tough conversations and yet this is what saves lives. Intervention at ANY age can dramatically change lives!!!!
I agree! One reason I do what I do is to help that adult interprate the events of their life in a more constructive way so they will stop passing the abuse along. It’s the wounded inner child in some that are reacting in this way and it is my job to get to that child and heal him/her. I am glad you are doing what you do! You are also allowing resources so if a child knows they can’t tell a certain someone there are other options..
When I was in high school, a friend told me her father was molesting her. I told her she must tell her mom. She finally did, and her mom didn’t believe her. It wasn’t until years later when the truth was told.
Suzanne, Stories like this positively infuriate me! How the heck can we expect kids to “tell a trusted adult”, when the evidence is that there isn’t a trusted adult who will believe them and provide protection and healing. Perhaps the best we can do is try to understand mothers who don’t have the emotional strength to believe their child, and try to step into the gap and offer belief, comfort, and rescue when children need that. This one issue is one of the reasons why healing for adults who were abused as children is so tough is because they’re having to work through the double betrayal – first the abuse, then the disbelief. But healing IS possible.
What a very empowering article to help parents or anyone assist with protecting children and opening up the opportunity for children to share and find their voice in discussing challenging situations. Thanks for sharing!
Great post and information! Thanks for sharing. Living in the town of Penn State, the topic of child abuse has been in the forefront. Not that what occurred here is at all condoned, but the fact that people are talking about it and parents are aware, is a good thing! Stop the silence.
I think most of us have personal stories of exposure to abuse of children. This article is tough but necessary. Thank you.
I had such mixed emotions reading this article. I went from sadness to anger that abuse happens against children in particular. I just cannot fathom abusing a child so it is a hard thing to take in on some levels. We can make a difference and in many ways that we may never know. Be there and be willing to listen is the best way to start.
Kim, this is one of the great challenges of those who work tirelessly to break the cycle of child abuse. Those who are currently impacted (the “victim” and those close to them) feel completely helpless if they’re being abused now, or just don’t want to think about it if their abuse is in the past. Little by little, though, we are raising awareness so that those who are NOT immediately impacted will have a better idea of how they can intervene and support those who are. Thank you for caring.
Powerful article. Thank you for sharing!
Keeping those lines of communication open is so important…if you even have the slightest inkling that there is something wrong, yes, ask…we can never be too caught up in life that we don’t talk to our kids.
Sherie, its so important to ask, even if we’re not sure! It might be that a child is just having a bad day, or it might be something serious they’re just waiting to find a way to open up about. Regardless, “we” (the adults) must remain available and communicate that intentionally!
Thanks for sharing this article. I know that this exists and it breaks my heart. Thank God for people like you who make others aware and offer guidance and help. God bless you, Ronae!
Thanks for making all of us more aware of what we can do to make a difference. My heart is heavy for anyone going through such a terrible way of life. Praying that God will reveal to each of us those who may need us to be asking those questions.
sometimes the abusers ARE the parents and the child or teen needs a grown up in their life who can be like a surrogate parent to them. It’s hard to know when to step in and be there for a child and when to stay out of a sticky situation. Great post.
You raise an important point Heather, and one of the saddest parts of helping kids of any age who are victims of child abuse. It is so important for all adults to stand ready to at very least reach out to those kids who seem to be struggling.
Powerful and like I have said before such a “Close to my heart” challenge! Blessings for all who live their lives dedicated to helping the children
Thanks for sharing this great and powerful article. I also agree that parents should really be the one to initiate the conversation first when they sense that something’s wrong.
what can I say… I’m speechless that there is abuse in the first place… thanks for sharing and love to all children!!!
Incredibly powerful article…we as parents must take the responsibility to always be ready to make ourselves available and the best way is to initiate conversation…and then let them respond… or not.
In 2008 I moved my kids and myself to Virginia. My oldest son was being bullied. I knew it, I could sense it. He’s a tough kid. So when I asked, I got the brush off answers. I finally got the straight answer. He was afraid to tell me because I’d been so excited about the move. Boy was he shocked when I had us packed up and safely back in our old school system in Michigan! Kids come first, but only when you know the truth can you make certain!