In 1984, Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It” became her best selling single of all time.
Tina may well have been singing about your teenager.
“What’s Love Got To Do With It”
You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it’s only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It’s physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that
[Chorus:]
Oh what’s love got to do, got to do with it
What’s love but a second hand emotion
What’s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
If you have a child around the age of ten or older, you’re likely noticing their first crush – attraction to the opposite sex that can completely take over their life and personality. In fact, one study based out of Switzerland concluded that teenage romance behaviors often mimicked psychiatric disorders! The “mania” that these researchers saw in teens romantically involved could have also been diagnosed as bipolar disorder.
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Its hormones. Its deep emotional attraction. Its intense physical attraction. Its the first, or second, or third kiss. Its real, and exciting, and frightening.
Is it love?
Parents from generations past would encourage their teen son to find a wife, their teen daughter to find a husband. Recreational dating and sex are fairly new phenomena in America. With puberty coming earlier than ever before, teenagers are thrown into the experience of attraction to the opposite sex at a younger age, but without the focus of finding a marriage partner.
Tragedy comes in the form of broken hearts, teenagers deciding “it” has nothing to do with love. Tragedy also comes with the nearly 750,000 teen pregnancies each year, over 9 million cases of sexually transmitted diseases diagnosed annually in teens, and one in three teenagers experiencing violence in a dating relationship. These issues are compounded by the epidemic of teenage substance abuse that affects over 2 million teens in the United States alone, and is often a factor in the tragedies that may accompany romantic relationships.
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
If you’re the parent of a teenager, or a child soon to enter that grand adventure of falling in love, here are some tangible ways you can help calm your fears while encouraging your teen to explore special friendships and avoid the more frightening parts of romance.
- Practice respectful conversation. There’s no need to belittle your teen’s romance by calling it “puppy love” or “just a crush”. Some of the friendships built during adolescence are deep and lasting.
- Give your teen the tools they need. Start early talking about the dangerous possibilities rather than leaving those subjects to the school or your teen’s peers. Make sure your teen understands your family dating rules, and then decide how you will carefully respond if they choose to break them.
- Model love carefully. You’re a human being, which means you’re imperfect. Teens are great at pointing out your mistakes, times you’ve failed to “follow the rules” or when you’ve made poor choices. Rather than trying to cover up or justify when you’ve messed up in the romance department, be open with your teen about your mistakes and what you’ve learned from them.
- Celebrate your teen’s romance. No need to “make a big deal out of it”, except that adolescent romance really is a big deal. Its a rite of passage of sorts, a time when your teenager has the chance to practice real life connections, and can discover what it feels like to love another beyond the family.
- Guard your own heart. Your teenager’s romance has nothing to do with you. Truly. But if things go wrong, you may struggle with guilt or anger. Get some tangible support for you from a coach or counselor.
- Stay out of it, but stay intensely aware. Issues like date rape and other dating violence (including online violence), teen pregnancy, alcohol and other drug use and STDs are very real, and will absolutely require your compassionate involvement. Love can be wonderful, yet these teenagers you love have few skills to navigate the romantic landscape effectively. They’ll make mistakes, have their heart broken, and be tempted to try out indifference or rage or depression as a coping skill when things go wrong. Be ready to calmly and intentionally intervene and offer solutions.
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Everything!
Your teenager gets to discover who they love, how they love, and in what way they love.
YOU get to discover how to open your heart just a little more and love another person. And you get to practice ways to communicate to your teenager that through this process of learning to love, YOU will continue to love your teen no matter what!
Your turn:
Do you remember being a teenager in love? Do you remember the first time your heart was broken? What response did your parents have? What response do you wish they had had?
Do you have a teenager (or an almost-teenager) who is falling in love? Which of the six steps above is the most challenging for you?
Remember, no matter how discouraged you feel, there is always HOPE!
In high school I was intensely in love with a particular girl, and even 50 years later I remember it that way. In truth, however, I know now I didn’t really know the girl very well. At the onset of puberty, testosterone levels rise, creating the physical sensation of sexual desire, which is universally mistaken for love. I have a 55-year old friend who doesn’t know the difference. A one-night stand with a stranger and she’s talking about love. Even the British romantic poets, who wrote so much about love, didn’t know the difference. So teens are vulnerable. Plus, their prefrontal cortex is under construction, making it exceeding difficult to comprehend, think to the future and use good judgment. Strong feelings, yes. True love, it almost always has nothing to do with it. The consequences are as you stated. And as always, I love your advice to parents.
Denny, Ah those “love” memories! It seems that teenagers are handicapped before they even begin, but what a marvelous opportunity to learn and grow and discover what real love really is – so long as parents (and others who care) stay involved and give them the tools they need! I too know a number of folks who are far past teenage and still have no clue that sexual desire and true love are not the same thing. Sad, really.
I loved how you reframed the information about Teen Love, as you said, it depends on the modeling of our parents or how we were trained. And it is very sad, when kids give in to sex and have greater challenges about being pregnant, or experience violence in dating.
Mari-Lyn, You are right that so much of parenting is based on the way the parents were parented. The exciting part, though, is that even if someone had an awful experience growing up, they can still learn to be a wonderfully effective parent – it just takes a little more work and a whole lot of courage!
Oh yes I remember the first time my heart was broken and unfortunately I was too scared to show it to my parents.
Great article, thank you
Carele, its amazing how those memories stick with you! Hopefully you’ll be able to provide better support for your own children when they go through the inevitable heartbreak:-)
Wow is this timely for me! My 14 yr old granddaughter is experiencing her first ‘boyfriend’ and yep it can be scary! Just focused on keeping the lines of communication open and PRAYING!! Great article Ronae! Thanks!
Denny, Oh boy! I’ll add my prayers to yours!
You’re spot on about guarding your heart in the midst of your teens romantic relationships. One of our jobs as parents is to help our teens guard theirs too. The Proverb says, ‘above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.’
I enjoyed this. I didn’t date much in high school, but the one guy I did date…well, I remember every detail, every heartbreak. Sometimes “first love” stays with you forever even though I’m very happily married to my husband for 10 years this year!
Mandy, That first love likely shaped a part of who you became. What a precious memory, even when it is bitter-sweet. Super congrats on your ten years with hubby (!), and here’s HOPE for passing on gentle understanding after your own first heartbreak so long ago:-)
Great list! time to teach them about self-love too!!!
Excellent post and tips! I will be sharing
Wow, it’s hard to remember back that far!
At the time it seems like the most important thing in the world.
I never got to hung up on anyone. I believe that if there is no mutual attraction, there is no reason to chase someone.
I believe the same applies in business. Someone has to want our help for us to help them.
Thanks for sharing
What a great article, Ronae… thinking of having my 15 yr old grandaughter read this. x0x
The LEARNED Preneur @ NormaDoiron.NET
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I’ve been navigating this road for almost 2 years now with my 17 yr old daughter and in the early stages with my 15 year old. It’s fun and exciting time for teens as they learn about relationships. I have learned to parent completely opposite of how I was raised and now just keeping my fingers crossed I’m doing it right. Thanks for sharing I love your site! Terri
Terri, Super kudos to you for mindfully NOT simply following the way you were raised! Hopefully your teens appreciate the difference. But even if they don’t, they will be better for it. Here’s HOPE and courage for your journey!