Maniac Meltdown, Gillray 1803
Recently I posed the following question on Twitter:
What do you do when your teen has a meltdown?
The most fascinating answer: “Run like the wind!”
If you’re a parent to a teenager, you’ll chuckle. Then you’ll remember the last time your teen ‘lost it’, and wonder if that might have been a better response than the one you had. Teenage meltdowns can be legendary, and create incredible frustration both for parents and for the teens who feel out of control.
Here are some questions parents ask.
- How can I know if what my teen is expressing is a normal part of development, or is cause to worry?
- Is there anything I can do to prevent my teen from losing it, or is it best to just wait for things to calm down on their own?
- When do I need to intervene? How can I intervene effectively?
Whether your child’s personality runs more to passive resistance or outright defiance, there will come a time when they completely lose it. Your response can make an enormous difference in the lessons learned, and can help create an environment where your teen can find more effective ways of expressing their emotions.
Lets start with understanding why teenagers have meltdowns. Is your teen expressing a normal teen emotion, or is this something to worry about?
In a recent Wall Street Journal article Whats Wrong with the Teenage Mind?, Ms. Gopnik, professor of Psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, explained part of the problem that today’s teens face has to do with their emotional and biological development being out of sync. Teens are entering puberty at a younger age, yet not reaching a stable adult maturity until later than at any other time in history. There’s nothing abnormal about teens’ energy or passion; what becomes a problem is when the emotional control systems aren’t developed enough to keep a reign on stress responses and voila! An emotional meltdown erupts.
According to Ms. Gopnik and other researchers of teenage emotional and physical development, the way that teens develop a mature ability to handle stress and express emotions without losing control is by practicing. Each time your teenager experiences a stressful situation – they get in trouble at home, they have a romantic relationship crisis, they didn’t make the sports team, they’re a victim of bullying, the shared-parenting situation they’re in becomes untenable – the way they respond emotionally quite literally changes the architecture of their brains.
So does this mean that each meltdown makes the next one easier? Sure. Just as a stream follows the path of least resistance, your teenager’s brain will respond “mindlessly” (in other words, without conscious choice) to whatever feels most natural or familiar. One meltdown creates a literal brain pathway that makes the next meltdown ‘easier’.
This does NOT mean, however, that things are hopeless, or that you might as well just step back and hope things get better on their own.
HOW to intervene effectively when your teen has a meltdown.
Teenagers positively crave tools that will enable them to handle stress without coming unglued. They won’t find these tools on their own, and parents who respond to emotional outbursts in kind only make the situation worse. Here is where understanding that your teens’ emotional and biological development are out of sync will be put to good use.
HOW teens learn healthy stress responses is by practicing. By literally having opportunities for the brain to develop physical patterns – a “stream-bed” if you will – that result in less explosive and progressively more mature responses to emotionally charged situations. With society’s focus on providing ever more extensive educational opportunities, what is left by the wayside are those “life” experiences – the after school jobs, apprenticeships, and ‘doing with’ opportunities under supervision of adults who are there to help guide and teach and mentor. According to Ms. Gopnik, today’s teenagers are missing out on the irreplaceable experience of practice.
Here are six powerful ways that you can effectively intervene with your teenager’s meltdowns, and create for them an environment where practice is expected and encouraged.
- Understand. Keep in mind that your teen’s emotional responses are real, they simply lack the mechanisms to express them in a mature fashion.
- Respond. How you respond when your teen starts “losing it” will have a profound effect on whether or not this is a learning experience or not. When you get angry right back, remind your child of their immaturity or the mistakes he made, you provide no tools for them to grasp hold of. Instead, respond with gentle expressions of support for their feelings in the moment. Your teen is counting on you to help them regain control of their emotions.
- Give space. Remember, teenagers need practice reigning in those out of control emotional responses. They’re quite literally practicing LIFE with you! Give them time to calm down, and lots of space in which to do so. Nothing will be gained by trying to pound home your message while your teen is in ‘meltdown mode’.
- Debrief. After the crisis has passed, ask respectful open-ended questions. Like this: “How did you feel inside when I told you that you were grounded for being 30 minutes late? What did I miss that you were wanting me to understand?” Role play different scenarios and discover together ways that might work better the next time around.
- Model. Whether they admit it or not, your teen is looking to you for clues to how to do this ‘life’ thing. Do you fly off the handle when someone cuts you off in traffic? Yell when you’re tired or frustrated? Talk over others rather than having a real give-and-take conversation? Use alcohol to numb your own feelings of overwhelm? Refuse to apologize? While your teenager is practicing (read that ‘making mistakes, trying to learn from them, getting better’), they will copy what they see most from you.
- Collaborate. Work together. If you and your teen have a habit of antagonistic interaction, sit down when you’re both calm and come up with ways to practice interrupting the cycle. Own your half of the problem, and invite your teen to join with you in finding a better way.
Everyone gets angry. You get angry. Your parents got angry. Even God gets angry. As your teenager grows into their own emotionally healthy habits of expressing upset, you can help by providing them the tools they need, and the grace they deserve. Teenage meltdowns need not take over the peace of your family, and if they already have, it is never too late to turn things around!
Your turn:
What effective responses have you found that help your teenager when they’re in ‘meltdown mode’? If you were a ‘meltdown teen’, what responses helped? What made it harder to regain control? As a parent, what is your biggest concern when helping your teen practice a better way?
I have a better question – should you worry if your teen NEVER has a meltdown?
Mum, What a great question!
I’m thinking it depends entirely on the teen, and on how open they are to expressing their emotions. The time to worry is when they are unable to express what they’re experiencing internally and get stuck in pretending they’re fine when they really aren’t. On the other hand, there are some teens who don’t seem to have extreme highs and lows. The important thing for parents to remember is to be aware of the cues from their teen and create the healthiest emotional environment possible. If you’re worried your teen is “stuffing” their feelings, it might be time to try something different!
~RJ
I can’t say my children ever really had bad meltdowns, but they definitely experienced big disappointments that probably felt overwhelming to them. My husband and I would just be available, stay nearby, and talk when they were ready. This always worked in our house.
Great article Ronae! “Nothing will be gained by trying to pound home your message while your teen is in ‘meltdown mode’.” This is so important for parents to be mindful of…so often in their desire to rush in and “fix” everything for our children we rob them of the opportunity to grow and learn from their experiences. Thanks for sharing your insights and wisdom!
You have some very good tips, I am passing this on to my sister that has just mentioned some things with her teens. Thanks
Ronae, This is another great article! Your “six powerful ways that you can effectively intervene with your teenager’s meltdowns, and create for them an environment where practice is expected and encouraged” is priceless! I know anyone with teens will greatly benefit with your advice! Thank you!
Thank you Alexandra:-)
Great tips, Ronae! My favorite one is “Collaborate. Work together. If you and your teen have a habit of antagonistic interaction, sit down when you’re both calm and come up with ways to practice interrupting the cycle. Own your half of the problem, and invite your teen to join with you in finding a better way.” I have expereinced great results with this technique. If I can meet them where they are and explain where I am coming from and they can explain where they are coming from; it helps BOTH of us process the situation better.
Kim, woohoo for finding a way that works! Its amazing how often parents ‘forget’ that their teens are “real people” and respond the best to respectful conversation!
~RJ
These are superb tips and techniques, Ronae….I appreciate how you point out that teens learn healthy responses by practicing…brilliant!
Sherie, Thank you:-)
So often we forget that learning a better way takes practice, which by definition means doing it imperfectly!
~RJ
I worked in child protection for 15 years, with many families who had “Out of control” teens. Your take on this is very enlightening, thanks for sharing.
Anita, As a parent of four teens who made it through these tough years, I became convinced that some teens just have a tougher time. Two of my four had frequent crises, and we found ways that completely changed the crisis into a collaborative effort to find solutions. Here’s hoping other parents find solutions as well!
~RJ
Gosh, sounds like me! Great sage advice for just about anyone not just teens!!! thanks for the reminders, great job! Patricia
Can you do an article on toddler meltdowns? LOL. This is great info to keep for when my 3 and 7 year olds are teens.
Mandy, Yes, its kinda funny. But amazing the similarities between teens and toddlers!
~RJ
What a great article! I have found that when speaking to teenagers, or for that matter, young children who are having a meltdown, what works best is for me to not lose my cool. When I can look at them, focus on them and speak to them in a way that shows them that I care, that truly makes all the difference. Thanks for sharing this great article! Loved it!
#5 Model, so important. Your teen will learn from you. Thanks for all the tips.
Your article is wonderful, gives hope and ideas to parents that they can get through it.
That’s it. I’m just giving my kids away before they become teens.
Thank you for the great advice, kids sure are growing up faster these days and even though I don’t have teenagers I feel your advice can come in handy in any parent and child conflict.
Really great article. I went and still am going through the teen years and I found although we need to appreciate them and where they are at, we also need to maintain trust in ourselves to follow through with a decision made. I didn’t for a long time and the mind confusion caused much distress, frustration etc, and it spilled out onto the kids. At times like these this is what they don’t need. More confusion
I ,as of last week don’t have a teen any longer..I had one child that had a meltdown everyday and one that is 25 who has never had a meltdown. The child that never had a meltdown that I though was so perfect became very ill. We had no idea anything was wrong til she was very sick. The child that melted down everyday? Mild problem..both extremes were red flags. You are so good with all of this.. I wished I had met you way back when..;)
Liz, as mom to four teens who made it through to adulthood, I know what its like to have teenagers with very different personalities and stress responses! Thanks for the reminder of how important it is to pay close attention to each child’s language!
~RJ
I remember having many melt-downs still do on occasion, I think compassion and space is very helpful. Asking questions, this is a wonderful reminder.
Thanks for all your advice and tips, Ronae. I am the father of young children but much of this still applies. And, I’m trying to read everything you put out here and bank it for when my kids hit the teen years.
Often the melt downs weren’t about the issue at hand. They were usually related to something bad that happened at school that day, or what the other sibling said early that hurt, or the way I had been distracted by other things. I usually took the posture of holding the space for the melt downs, unless they were harmful to me. Then I would just say, ‘you are hurting me and I do not think I deserve it.’ Then I would let them be until the mood had passed. I have to admit that it worked well enough that we have a wonderful relationship now and they are in their 20s.
Lorrie, kudos to you for finding a powerfully respectful way to work through your teens’ meltdowns. So few parents remember that their teens desperately need their stable and gentle guidance in getting through the rough times!
And so glad to hear of your great relationships with now adult children:-)
~RJ
Great article! I wish I’d had advice like this when my son was in his teens. Thankfully he’s pretty much outgrown his meltdowns now.
Thankfully I have no children so don’t have to deal with this issue. I really don’t know how I’d handle it. I would probably treat them like I would have liked to be treated at that age and that would be a 1 on 1 conversation that wasn’t a lecture or do as I say type thing.
Mike, it is amazing how many parents seem to forget that part, of treating their kids how they would have like to be treated!
~RJ
My mother had the best tactic, she just stood there and waited until the meltdown was DOWN.
Mona, perfect! Kids in meltdown-mode are out of self-control, so are practically screaming for the parents to provide some external guidance til they can get things back in hand. Just calmly waiting til things are less chaotic is far better than yelling back!
~RJ
Teen flare ups are as fast as their cool-offs. Best book I ever read on the whole Teen thing also has the greatest title: “I Hate You, Get Out Of My Life, But First, Can You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?”
Great advice Ronae! I like all the points, especially about giving them space and letting them be first…
I am bookmarking this for my foreseeable future. We haven’t gotten there yet and have a ways to go, but I can see a need for this great information. Thanks!
Audrey, I’m excited that you’re absorbing information early that will help later:-) It is amazing how much it can help to begin now, even if you have “a ways to go” before your kids are teens! I also keep hearing from parents that many of the things we discuss here are helpful for challenges parenting children younger than teenage as well. Please come back often – we need your insights too!
~RJ
Great tips, Ronae. I love “Teenagers positively crave tools that will enable them to handle stress without coming unglued.” In my experience, this is true. I believe teens need to be taught skills to cope with life. Thanks!
Thanks Lisa:-) Just being supportive isn’t enough if parents aren’t passing on skills that teens can use to successfully navigate life!
~RJ
Oh RJ I don’t even want to think about this! I thought meltdowns were something my kids were going to outgrow . . . If not, they surely only get worse. Thanks for your very solid advice on how to deal with meltdowns, hopefully I can have the presence of mind to put your advice into action when I encounter this several years from now!
Jennifer, oh dear, sounds like you’re going through a rough patch. But here’s a really cool thing – everything that you do NOW to help you and your kids get through meltdowns only builds a better foundation for when they hit the teen years. And you never know – your kids might have the “meltdowns” completely out of their system by the time they hit teenage! (But if not, here’s HOPE for all of you).
~RJ
Never remember my teens having melt downs, but my adult kids are now have their “uniqueness” Some feel they are adults and “have” all the answers.
Carol, sending you courage! Sometimes adult kids are more challenging than teenagers, and you have a tough job ahead of you. It can be incredibly tough to allow the to realize on their own that they don’t actually have all the answers, especially when they seem unable to learn from your wisdom!
There is hope – even though it might take awhile. Here’s hugs too!
~RJ
Whew! Living with 3 teens, a pre-teen and one close behind can be very challenging but I’ve learned to ask one huge question: Are you simply venting or do you would you like to hear my advice? A lot of times, they merely want to vent because they feel less threatened in their home, their safe haven…of course there are times when I suggest they go to their room for quiet time or to write out their feelings. I remember being a teen and not having the opportunity to verbally share my feelings and I also know how I felt..I turned to paper..so always give my children a choice:)