rj
Despite parents’ very best intentions, often what gets passed on to the next generation comes mindlessly from parents who are carrying their own unhealed wounds. How can you give your child the gift of encouragement when you were never encouraged? How can you share hope with your teen when you struggle to hold onto it yourself? How can you discipline your own children with respect when the discipline you received left you defensive, confused, and heartbroken? What can you do when your energy is used up trying to control the ache in your heart?
…When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall…
What was it like for you growing up? Were you surrounded by loving support, gentle encouragement, and discipline that made sense? Or did you instead survive your teen years in spite of parents whose “best” was not good at all? When you discovered you were expecting your first child, did you decide to never repeat your parents mistakes? Were you sure you wouldn’t raise your voice, act out of fear, discipline unfairly?
Every child deserves to grow up in a family where support, encouragement, guidance and HOPE are the daily fare. If you did not grow up in such a family, how can you possibly pass those things on to your own children?
If you’re carrying a heavy load of pain from your own childhood or from hurtful adult relationships, at some point your ability to hold all those emotions in check will fail.
The bough will break.
Is your heart aching with more sadness than you can bear? Do you find yourself snapping at your kids, raising your voice when you really want to be calm, and having little patience for the growing process of others? Especially when you’re a parent, when you reach that breaking point, the impact is felt deeply by those closest to you. If you realize you’re repeating some of the mistakes your parents made – those things you vowed never to do – then you’re at a place of incredible opportunity.
Here’s the good news: there is HOPE for wounded families!
If you recognize that you’re behaving in ways similar to those things that hurt you when you were a child, celebrate the insight. You’ve just taken that first – and hardest – step, in recognizing there’s a problem. When you’re able to get in touch with deep pain, you’re in a place where you can now choose healing.
Feel like you’re about to break? Use this moment as a wake-up call.
Feel like you’re already broken? There’s only one direction to go: UP! Don’t wait for it to get worse. Choose right now to reach out, get ideas and support, and begin the healing process.
Angry at the baggage you’re carrying? Good. Let that anger be the beginnings of your motivation to move in a new direction.
It is never too late to change direction, to choose to interrupt even generations-long patterns of family dysfunction, to heal from the heavy burden of pain and fear and anger you’ve been carrying.
- Choose HOPE! At whatever point you choose, you can begin to change from passing on pain, to encouraging those you love.
- Gentleness pays off! When you’re stuck in ‘survival mode’, gentleness can feel like weakness. But gentleness is a powerful force! Practice being gentle with you, and you’ll be better able to show gentleness to others.
- Broken hearts can heal! No matter how much pain you’re carrying, healing is possible. No matter how often you have repeated the mistakes of your parents in your own parenting, you can learn a new way.
- YOU deserve it! You deserve to live in a family full of support, encouragement, guidance, and HOPE. Decide today to do the work necessary to create such a home – both for your children, and for YOU!
Start your process of healing by signing up for HOPE Notes. Every few days you’ll receive HOPE Notes in your inbox written especially for parents of teens and adult children. And remember, no matter how discouraged you feel right now, there is always HOPE!
Your turn:
Have you felt overwhelmed lately? Have you realized you’re passing on some pain that you’ve been carrying from your own childhood? Have you discovered the joy of recovery? Share your experiences here and we’ll encourage each other and grow together!
This is a great read ! Really enjoy all your blog posts!
Thank you, for an inspiring article. there are many families who are going through this and this article could give them the Hope that they may be looking for. I love when you wrote,”It is never too late to change direction, to choose to interrupt even generations-long patterns of family dysfunction, to heal from the heavy burden of pain and fear and anger you’ve been carrying.” It’s so true. Great tips
Susan, Thank you. Having come from a place of deep woundedness to profound healing, it is such a privilege to pass on the HOPE!
~RJ
Great post to encourage parents who are so stretched! I’m a mom of a baby with eczema and can really emphatize when things are near breaking point, particularly with the lack of sleep that comes with eczema. Running a blog and support group to help other parents with eczema
Marcie, courage to you! When my youngest was born (20 years ago now!) he spent the first year of his life battling eczema over every area of his body. I know exactly how you feel! We finally discovered the combination of things that worked for him, and he gradually came to have very few outbreaks.
Sending you hope!
~RJ
You are correct, being self-aware enough to realize there are things you experienced in your past that you don’t want to pass on to your children is the first step. While not all are comfortable or can afford therapy, there are so many benefits. First, it shows you want to make a change. Second, it takes guts, you are brave to be willing to work toward better understanding yourself and working to make a better life for yourself and your family. Third, it allows you to work through issues in a safe environment free from judgement. I believe there is always something we can be learning about ourselves. It becomes a question of what do we do with what we learn?
Thanks for the great reminder of the rewards of working through past issues with a coach or therapist! I know that the hard work I did to let go of the past has paid enormous dividends and I wouldn’t change a single thing.
~RJ