Its an incredibly powerful myth, the one that says, All you need to be an effective parent is persistence. Just like in the movie Finding Nemo, you hum “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming” as you repeat yourself over and over to a teenager who has completely tuned you out. When frustration threatens to overwhelm any good sense you have left, you console yourself with the reminder that you are, in fact, being a persistent parent. You won’t give up no matter what. You will continue to dish out your advice and better judgement because you’re a good mom, a good dad. And you will maintain your parental position on issues and boundaries whether or not your teen gives any indication they’re getting your message.
Because that is what good, persistent parents do.
Hold on! Lets step back for just a moment and take a closer look.
In your own adult life, how many times have you responded graciously, with an open mind, to someone repeatedly telling you what to do? When you let someone know you need a bit of distance, how do you feel when they don’t hear you? Have you found the shades of gray that make up realistic “life”? How about when someone talks over you? Or discounts your opinion because they’re sure they are more right than you are or have more experience?
Think about interactions in your life that work. Who do you know that lifts you up, gives you courage, fills your heart and helps you believe that yes, you can face this challenge or overcome this obstacle? Someone who inspires you to be better, growing more and more into the person you really are? Who do you want to spend more time with because they enjoy doing what you enjoy? How many times have you wished there were someone in your life you could simply share your tough day with? How often have you wished you were really heard?
Now if you’re like most parents, you’ve been setting up a little argument in your mind while reading the previous two paragraphs! You have the “yeah buts”, “my teen is different”, and “you just don’t understand” screaming so loud its a little difficult for you to focus on these words. (By the way, your teen does that too.)
But here’s the kicker. Regardless of your mental argument upholding the truth in the myth of Persistent Parenting, I maintain that it is a myth precisely because it doesn’t work!
Go back to adult relationships if you still feel the need to justify your position. If your husband had to ask you twelve times to pick up some milk for dinner, would you say your communication was working? Would you maintain a friendship with someone who wouldn’t let you speak or who always needed to remind you that they knew more than you?
So lets debunk this myth once and for all. Persistent Parenting has its place, but NOT as a parenting style! You can persistently love your child of any age. You’re welcome to persistently communicate your belief that you appreciate your child’s attempts to grow up well, understand their struggles, and forgive their mistakes. But when Persistent Parenting involves nagging, criticizing, repeating a request (demand) over and over, following your child up the stairs or down the street like a stalker intent on getting your message through his head – it simply doesn’t work!
So now what? If you find yourself repeating what you have to say over and over to a teenager who isn’t hearing you, it doesn’t make sense to keep doing what you’re doing. If you realize you raise your voice in frustration and your teen still tunes you out, it doesn’t make sense to raise it a little higher. And if you understand that the way you’ve been interacting with your teenager is pushing you farther apart but aren’t sure what to do differently, there is HOPE!
This month I’m beginning a twelve week series addressing issues just like this. We’ll talk about what you’re doing that isn’t working with your teen, then give you tangible I can do this! tools that you can start using right now. I would so enjoy the opportunity to walk with you as you practice a better way and transform your relationship with your teenager! But whether you get help from me or someone else, start now to focus your energy on finding ways to interact with your teenager that really work.
Your turn:
One definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting a different result. What things are you being persistent about that you now realize simply aren’t working? We grow together and learn from each other – share your experience here. And remember, there is always HOPE!
I like this blog, and can agree with most of the points made. Persistence does indeed have its place, but patience and flexibility are without doubt much more powerful tools in parenting. What works for one situation does not necessarily work for another, and effective communication underpins the ability to decide which actions will and will not be effective in any given situation.
Annamarie, thank you for the reminder of the importance of staying flexible. Teens are, after all, real people ! Being patient with their process of becoming who they were meant to be is essential!
~RJ
Myths are rampant! perception is as unique as nose size, hair color and attitude! persistence to me, falls into the same category – it depends on what requires extra attention and when to back off – again, unique and individual to the situation! great article, food for thought, and great job!
Absolutely agree with the post! I know when I was a teen the only forms of parenting that ever worked were talking to me as to an equal. And not going berserk over occasional minor fits of mine (I still can’t even begin to express how amazed and grateful I am that when I woke up one fine day and decided I’m no longer going to the school I was attending (that was roughly 3 months before year’s end) my mom took the fire for me from dad – he’s a bit more impulsive
– and somehow they got me into a different school within days! This in turn led to me attending the International school the year after instead and it was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me in life!).
, but that’s why they never held the ultimate authority over me, too. Mom and dad – yes. You hit me? Meh, you no longer have much authority over me, sorry 
.
BUT – the FACT of consulting – THAT mattered a great deal!) and events when I was probably too little for that, but hey – they did. I was happy to yes-man their decisions that way 
. And they have my eternal respect, too.
It worked so well, in fact, that my parents were never forced to use carnal punishment. Besides, it won’t work in my case either – my grandparents kind of tried, being more of the village people
So yes – treat teenagers (and kids!) as you’d want to be treated: with respect, as an equal, and try to simply wait out on their provocations and, if you can, try to find the causes. We never rebel just because we’re teens – we rebel because we feel unheard, unimportant, underestimated, misunderstood and insignificant – both as teens and as grown-ups. I can tell because I never had any reasons to go through any major rebel phases – and that was only because I was treated as an equal by my parents. They even consulted with me the major things (like moving… As if my opinion really mattered
Ok end of rant and please, please treat teenagers as you would your peers as much as you can! It really makes a world of a difference!
Leah, what a fantastic reminder of the HUGE importance of treating teenagers with respect! I especially appreciate your line, “We never rebel just because we’re teens – we rebel because we feel unheard, unimportant, underestimated, misunderstood and insignificant – both as teens and as grown-ups.” Sometimes I think parents forget that part, and may be operating out of their own insecurities or fears rather than taking the time to treat their teenagers as people in their own right!
It’s hard sometimes to understand that a younger person isn’t by default a “lesser” person. Even little children have often an amazing wisdom and insight – they don’t need anyone talking down to them, but respecting adults to guide them and advise them around potential stumbling blocks… Plus to serve as an example (how parents communicate with each other and other people probably lays down the most core foundation of our own personalities at earliest age). Adults should think every now and then back to how THEY prefer to be treated – and then treat their kids that way
.
Beautifully said Leah! Even very young children “don’t need anyone talking down to them…”, and this is true of teens, and of adults too!
You raise such an important point Ronae..when we step back and consider how the actions we take toward our children feel to us when we are on the receiving end we gain a clear perspective on the reaction we get from them! Great article!
We want our kids to stop and consider all the implications of their actions before they act. We, as you so clearly state, must consider ALL the implications of our parenting approach and philosophy.
You are right on!
It can have an ill effect on many areas of our lives.
Not sure we keep performing the same madness?
Thanks for sharing
I don’t have teens so don’t really have that issue but it can carry over into just about any relationship between any 2 people. Now the question I ask myself “is it better to be right or happy?” That usually gives me the response with divine guidance.
So extremely true–parents need to remember that kids are people too–the same adage applies here Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Linda, how often parents forget that their kids are “people”, then wonder why the ‘kids’ struggle as they become adults. Thanks for the reminder of the importance of the Golden Rule!
Great tips, great article on parenting. Wish you were around when I needed you… (-_-)
The LEARNED Preneur @ NormaDoiron.NET *•♥
The golden rule: Do not do unto others what you would not want them to do to you… Thanks Ronae! x0x
The LEARNED Preneur @NormaDoiron.NET
Thanks for this information! I find it helpful in dealing with my 14 year old! Thanks!
Lori, sending you extra buckets full of courage and HOPE!
You are right. Nagging doesn’t work so well with kids, either. Sometimes it is hard not to, but I am working very hard with my teens to make sure I am not a nagging mom. They know what they want and what they need to do; I don’t need to beat them over the head with it. All that does is give us both a headache.
This is an amazing advice, I so agree with everything you say Ronae! Going to share this great resource with other parents now! Thank you so much!
“One definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting a different result.”
Isn’t that the truth! Thanks for this wise twist on persistence.